For the Mom Who Feels Like She's Not Enough

Three Things I Want You To Know

From my very first day of motherhood, I felt ill-equipped. During what appeared to be a healthy pregnancy, my baby stopped moving at 33 weeks gestation and was delivered by emergency c-section. We named him Noah Jon. At birth, he was placed on full life support, and the doctors gave him little hope for survival.

When Noah was three weeks old, Jon and I sat in a meeting with the Neonatal Intensive Care Team and learned that Noah was essentially brain-dead. They told us he would never see, hear, talk, suck, swallow, or recognize us as mom and dad. We were told if (strong emphasis on “if”) he ever came home from the hospital, he’d require feeding tubes, oxygen, and 24-hour-a-day nursing care.

They advised that we take him off life support and let him go.

Right out of the gate, motherhood delivered the devastating news that my son was dying.

But, also, the unfortunate reality that I was not enough:

I didn’t take good enough care of myself during pregnancy.
I didn’t go to the hospital quickly enough when I felt his movement change.
I wasn’t smart enough to understand all the medical jargon they were throwing at me.

I’m not enough.

We didn’t take him off life support—instead, we prayed and waited.

Over the next three weeks, Noah made a dramatic turnaround. He began taking his feeds by bottle, he was weaned from oxygen, and he passed his hearing test and his sight test. And at the age of six weeks—just three weeks after they said he was brain-dead—the hospital discharged him to come home. The doctors were shocked. And the hospital chaplain attributed his recovery to our “great faith.”

When Noah was about nine months old, while we were on vacation celebrating my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, we took him to the hospital because he was refusing to eat and had become lethargic. Again, we prayed, asking God to heal him.

Except this time, Noah died.

Not from the issues at birth, but from what turned out to be a rare and undiagnosed genetic metabolic disorder.

And the voice in my head whispered:

This time, not even my faith was enough.

I’m not enough.

Less than a year later, we had another baby—Rebekah.
Then, two and a half years later, we adopted Elijah.
And then five years after that, we adopted Elliana.

And even though we moved successfully through our grief and life became somewhat normal—whatever that means—the constant undercurrent of “not enough” carried through.

When they were babies and toddlers, a voice in the back of my mind constantly said
I’m not patient enough.
I’m not playful enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not selfless enough.

As they started school and I looked around at the other moms, I thought
I’m not skinny enough.
I’m not volunteering enough.
I’m not fun enough.

I’m not cool enough.

(Well, that last one is actually true.)

Even now, when they are moving through the teen and young adult years, I sense the tether loosening, as they pull toward independence, and I think
I wasn’t present enough.
I haven’t invested enough.
I didn’t pray enough.

I’m not strong enough.

What in the world is this? After showing up every day for the last 28 years to love and serve my family, why do I carry this weight of “not enough?”

It's not that I think that I'm a bad mom...I KNOW I'm a good mom. But maybe just not good enough.

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If you are a mom who feels like no matter what you do, it’s never enough,

or if you look around and feel like everyone is doing this mom thing better than you, and you can never measure up,

or if you feel like you must do everything and do it well and look awesome while you do it,

I have three things I want you to know:

1. You Are Not Alone

Occasionally, I like to survey my podcast listeners and newsletter readers. One question I always ask is, “What is your biggest struggle right now?’

Here’s a sample of responses I have received:

“My biggest struggle is feeling like I am not enough….I always feel like I SHOULD be doing more, doing better, be more on top of things, be more engaged, be a better mom and better friend a better wife. Cook better meals, be more organized, get more chores done, be more playful with the kids, be more present with my husband, plan more date nights, plan more girls nights, call her more often, volunteer more, give blood more, work out more, read more, pray more, clean more, JUST DO MORE!"

“More than anything, I struggle with not feeling like a failure. Failure as a woman or a mother...”

“[My biggest struggle is] Trying to do it all and continually feeling as though I'm falling short.”

This is typical. I could show you 50 more just like this.

If you feel this way today or ever, please understand that most of us experience similar feelings at least sometimes. Rest assured, you are not alone.

But also, know this:

2. This is not your fault

Did you know this societal pressure on moms to feel like we have to be all things to all people at all times is mostly unique to this current generation of moms?

In the U.S., it began in the 1940s. The men were off fighting in the war, so women had to leave home and family and enter the workforce to keep the country running.

During World War II, government propaganda was everywhere: posters, radio programs, magazine articles, and advertisements showing women in overalls with greasy hands for the first time. Women entered factories by the millions, and proved that we were capable of much more than having babies and washing dishes, thankyouverymuch.

And that was awesome.

What was NOT awesome is the fact that childcare, housework, and transportation were all left up to the working woman. See, there were no profit-making childcare centers as there are today. Housework was an all-day task. There were no washers, dryers, or automatic dishwashers. Everyone cooked meals from scratch. Still, women were expected to handle all these tasks, plus work outside the home, by themselves.

Women quite literally had to do it all.

Fast forward to today.

The pressure to do it all is stronger than ever before. We don’t see posters of women in overalls and greasy hands—instead, we see glossy ads of a sexy business executive in a pencil skirt and stilettos with a baby propped on her hip: a not-so-subtle message that we should be doing it all at the exact same time.

On top of all that pressure, we now have social media. And we see all these things all the other moms are doing.

The mom taking her kids to Disney,
the mom making spring crafts out of egg cartons,
the mom growing her own vegetables,
the mom who just lost all her baby weight,
the mom on girls’ night out with her friends,
the mom on the romantic getaway with her husband,
the mom killing it in a home-based business,
and the mom spending time with Jesus, evidenced by her beautifully filtered photo of her coffee and her Bible. (Jesus, not pictured)

And what we do is we take all these individual images—hundreds and hundreds of images a day, representing hundreds and hundreds of women—and we morph them into One Woman who’s doing all the things.

Then on top of that, we add the things we actually do (because we're doing stuff, too!).

Then we compare ourselves to her—to this fictitious woman.

And, compared to her, we’re not enough.

Did you know there is an enemy of your soul behind the scenes orchestrating all of this?

2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us he’s putting into motion thought patterns and mental strongholds contrary to God’s truth.

John 8:44 tells us there is no truth in him. He’s lying to you.

I Peter 5:8 tells us he’s walking around waiting for a vulnerable moment so that he can pounce on you.

This is not your fault. You are fighting against a combination of societal pressure and wickedness in the spirit realm. And it’s coming at you incessantly, every single day.

But here’s the good news,

3. You Are Not Powerless

I’m going to give you two things you can do today—and every day—straight out of God’s word that will give you the power to fight and overcome these two colossal forces coming at you.

First: Guard your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

That means being very intentional about what and who you allow to influence you. Be careful what you put before your eyes. Stop scrolling through social media. Look straight ahead. Don’t look around at how everyone else is running their race. Run your own race.

When things come at you telling you what you should be and what you should do, hold them up to the light of God’s word. If it’s not consistent with who God says you are or what God says you should be doing, don’t let it in.

Second: Boast in your weakness.

When I'm struggling with feelings of "not enough," this passage is my lifeline:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 says,

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Here’s the truth, Mom: You really are NOT enough.

(What????? Sandy, this is where you're supposed to end with "Go YOU! You're enough!")

I didn’t say you weren’t valuable. Because Mom, you are wholly and dearly loved by God exactly as you are, without even trying.

And I didn’t say you weren’t cute. Because, girl, you are freaking adorable.

But you truly can’t do everything and be everywhere simultaneously. You can’t fulfill all your kids’ needs. You will make some mistakes, and some of them may be significant.

You have weaknesses.

I have weaknesses.

I used to hate that about myself. I hated my weaknesses. I thought God’s will for me was to work on my weaknesses until I didn’t have them any longer.

Nope! Not God's will. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

God’s will for me is to boast in my weaknesses. Not just accept them, but delight in them!

Why?

Because this is how Christ’s power descends upon me.

I rest in Christ, and His power rests on me.

It's okay to feel like you're not enough—it can actually be liberating. God has given you everything you need to fill in all the places where you lack.

Because when you are weak in your own abilities, you are strong in Christ.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Love,

Sandy