How to Maintain Female Friendships While Parenting
A metaphor about running from someone who hates running
Of all the challenging aspects of being a stay-at-home mom, finding and maintaining intimate friendships has been one of the most difficult for me.
Simply put, raising small children is isolating.
The sleep deprivation of the newborn season gives way to the napping and feeding schedule of the baby and toddler season, which gives way to the carpooling and activity schedule of the elementary and high school seasons. Which lasts until someone besides me is old enough to drive everyone around the tri-county area, I suppose. At which time, I will start the sleep deprivation cycle again, as I nervously await the safe arrival of my behind-the-wheel teens.
A million moms doing the exact same things, yet completely isolated from one another.
I used to heap the blame on myself and my screwed-up schedule. That is, until I tried (and failed) repeatedly to schedule Mommy Play Dates with my friends. That’s when I discovered, it’s not just about my kids and our schedules. It turns out my friends are also juggling their kids and their schedules!
Trying to coordinate a time to connect with another busy mom for a phone call or a lunch date takes an act of Congress. And, don’t you know, Mommy Play Dates are the first thing to drop from the schedule when a kid throws up or a babysitter cancels or a spouse unexpectedly works late.
Over time, it can feel like more trouble than it’s worth to keep chasing those friendships. So, we stop trying. Understandably and unintentionally, we end up neglecting our female friendships. And neglected friendships wither.
I hate that.
Because I need my friends. And my friends need me.
Is it possible—or even reasonable—to maintain intimate female friendships during the demanding and isolating parenting years? I think it is. But for me, it required a fresh perspective. And a word picture about running.
For the record, I hate running.
Love exercise.
Hate running.
But my husband? Well, he hates running, too. But he tolerates it enough to compete in triathlons. He’s completed several triathlons this year. Right now, he’s training for his second Half Iron Man (1.2-mile swim, 56-mile bike, and a 13.1-mile run). Yes, he’s a total stud.
Different triathlons require him to go different distances, but these longer ones typically take him a little over five hours to complete.
Running alongside thousands of other people, yet completely alone.
Sounds a bit like motherhood to me.
I asked him once whether he ran or biked with other people when he raced. His answer to that question changed my perspective on friendships, entirely.
Sometimes, as he is moving along, trying to make it to the next mile-marker, he realizes he is running or biking alongside someone. He may strike up a conversation (as much as is possible when he is gasping for air), and then end up running or biking and talking for several miles together. Eventually, one of them will need to drop behind or sprint ahead—they are running a race, after all. And so, they separate.
Until my husband looks around and sees he’s running or biking alongside someone else. And he strikes up another conversation until one of them needs to move on.
And so it goes until they reach the finish line.
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ~ 1 Corinthians 9:24-25
We are all running a race. A unique course designed by God. A finish line rich with eternal rewards. My job is to run my race at the pace God directs me to run. As I run, I can look alongside me and see who is running at my pace. And those are the friendships I embrace for a season.
As a student, my best friends were classmates.
As a single working woman, my best friends were also single working women. My very best friend worked in my office.
As a young mom with babies and toddlers, my best friend was someone I could talk to on the phone during naps or while folding laundry. I gravitated to moms in my neighborhood who pushed strollers to the park and congregated around swing sets.
For a few years, my best friends were women who came to my Bible study—all of whom happened to be mothering preschool children.
For a season, my closest friends were members of my small group from church—all married, with children. All in the same place every Tuesday evening.
As a mom of school-aged kids, I now find myself connecting with moms at sporting events and dance lessons and field trips. As a blogger, some of my best friendships are currently with women in other parts of the world who are (like me) spending late-night or early-morning hours hidden behind computer screens.
I commend the people who carve out time for significant friendships—those life-long friends who remain strong and consistent through various seasons of life. But for me, it’s been really hard to do that. Just like a real race, I find it difficult to keep up with people who are not running at my pace.
Schedules clash.
Family dynamics change.
New passions develop.
Inevitably, someone feels held back or pushed too hard.
Sure, I enjoy reconnecting with an old friend occasionally. But I choose to stop beating myself up for relationships that I am unable to maintain because life has us running different races. Instead, I have found it to be much more balanced to simply keep in stride with what God has for me for my season—to be obedient to where He has me at all times—and then look around and see who is running alongside me.
I choose to embrace my friends there.
This essay is Chapter 11 of my award-winning book, Mom, You’re Amazing! And Other Things I Want to Tell You. If you’d like to hear me read this (and EVERY chapter) to you, you can listen wherever you listen to podcasts. Or click here.
I felt this deeply. As a stay-at-home mom, my friends are other stay-at-home moms of children in the same age range as mine. It has been challenging to connect with them now that our kids are at or near high school age and have their own schedules.
I’m in transition, too. Like you said, as a writer, much of what I do is in solitude behind my laptop, and the women I am running alongside in my race are those also writing and building a ministry or business.
Your article gave me permission to embrace that at different points in our race, we will be along side, move towards, and move away from different friendships and people and that’s okay.
I feel this wholeheartedly! Have you heard of the concept of “friends of the road” and “friends of the heart”? Both serve significant purposes but it also helps us make meaning of some friendships serving a season and a place where we are physically inhabiting the same space and others are ones that endure regardless of stage of life and physical distance. That has helped me so much when I think of how hard it is to maintain friendships as life evolves and changes (and as my stage of motherhood evolves and changes too). This is so encouraging and a timely reminder 🤍