What I Want My Teens to Know About Sexual Purity

Plus, a personal note about why I wrote this

2002

I’m with my friend and our babies sitting crisscross applesauce on my living room carpet. Between the two of us, we juggle four kids under the age of three, and they are crawling all over us. She serves in teen ministry and has just returned from a conference where a skit played out on the stage:

It’s a wedding, she says. But rather than the bridesmaids and the groomsmen standing behind the bride and groom, a line of ex-boyfriends and girlfriends—former sexual partners, specifically.

The implied message behind the skit: Every person you sleep with comes with you into your marriage. 😱

I worry about my babies—how will I protect them from moral failure? I feel shame, wondering how many ex-boyfriends I unknowingly invited into my marriage.

2012

I’m leading a Bible study for my 13-year-old daughter, her middle-school friends, and their moms. This week’s lesson: Sexual Purity. I dread this day, because I don’t know how to teach a lesson on purity, knowing my past.

Do I confess to a room of 13-year-old girls (and their moms) that I did not save myself for marriage? How do I explain that the grace of God covers all sin…except for this one? I mean, it “covers” it, technically, but once you give away your virginity, it’s gone. No do-overs. You can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube, and all that…

After all: Every person that you sleep with comes with you into your marriage. 😱

Hold on.

I don’t actually believe that.

I’ve been married for almost 20 years, and I have yet to find any former boyfriends or girlfriends in our bedroom. Yes, there are serious consequences to all sin—including premarital sex. And yet, God has redeemed and restored everything. His grace has covered all of it. His grace is enough, even for this.

Yes. This.

This is what I’ll teach my middle school girls and their moms. I rewrite the lesson.

2014

I’m at my children’s school on a Tuesday night at an assembly for emerging high school students and their parents. On the stage, a skit: A girl holds a long, clean strip of clear packing tape. She approaches a boy on stage, presses her tape against his chest, and then slowly peels it off.

She approaches a second boy and does the same thing.

And a third.

Each time she presses the tape, it loses more of its stickiness. Each time she peels it off, lint and dirt from the boy’s shirt remain. After repeating this several times, she holds the tape up to the audience to see: It’s disgusting, dirty, damaged…useless. The damage to the tape cannot be reversed.

The message: Every boy you sleep with leaves you disgusting, dirty, damaged…useless. The damage cannot be reversed. 😰

I am angry. This is a lie.

Yes, all sin has consequences. All sin separates us from God. All sin gives birth to death. All sin brings brokenness and disorder into every part of creation.

(And yes, please, beautiful baby girl, don’t press yourself against the boys!)

But that’s only half of the story.

God’s grace justifies and sanctifies. It restores, redeems, and renews. Jesus’ sacrifice on the Cross counts for everyone who believes…even the girl who pressed herself against boys.

I leave that assembly resolved to tell my children a different message—a better message about sexual purity.

One that reflects the heart of Jesus toward my kids.

One that paints a picture of both the consequences of sin and the Lord’s ability to forgive it.

One that removes the glaring floodlight from the teen and repositions it onto all humanity.

One that warns about the temptation to sin, yes, but also shows the way out so that my kids can escape it.

One that assures them nothing can separate them from the love of God.

One that assures them nothing can separate them from the love of their mom.

One that I wish someone had shared with me when I was 14.

And so I write this as a framework for how I will teach my teens:

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What I Want My Teens to Know About Sexual Purity

Purity is not refraining from sexual intercourse. Purity is a condition of the heart that drives every action, including, but not limited to, how you behave sexually. It encompasses everything you allow yourself to see, hear, and think. And, by the way, “purity” is still a thing, even when you are married and get to have sex with your spouse as often as you want. I still need to guard my heart every single day.

As your mom, it’s my job to set limits and boundaries, and I will. But limits and boundaries will not keep you pure. Only you can do that. I can set up and enforce rules designed to protect you, but if you really want to, you will find a way to have sex.

If you don’t agree with or don’t understand a limit or a boundary I have set, then let’s talk about it. I’m not just making up random rules to keep you confined, alone, and dateless. My goal is to demonstrate for you practical ways to protect yourself so that, hopefully, you will adopt similar boundaries on your own when I am not there.

You can ask me or tell me anything. I will not freak out on you. I promise.

Decisions about purity should not be made in the heat of the moment. This needs to happen now, in the privacy of your heart. If you wait until you are lying body-to-body on the couch in a dorm or the backseat of a car, sex will sound like the best idea ever.

Don’t be afraid to tell your date that you don’t want physical intimacy in your dating relationship. Chances are really good that he or she will be relieved because your date feels the same way. (If he or she is angry with you, move on. You deserve so much better than this.)

Society will tell you that it’s unrealistic to wait until marriage for sex—like you are some kind of ravenous animal with zero self-control. Don’t believe that for a second. It’s a lie. God equipped you for every situation you will encounter in your entire life, including the temptation to have sex before marriage. You can do this.

Sex is a lot like fire: Keep it well-contained, and it is both useful and beautiful. Let it burn freely, outside the boundaries God intended, and it is dangerous, painful, and destructive.

I know many parents (including me) are afraid to tell you this, but here it goes: There is absolutely nothing you can do that God cannot forgive and restore.

We are afraid you will hear, “There are no consequences, so go ahead and have sex and ask for forgiveness later.”

Hear me: I’m not saying there are no consequences for having sex outside of marriage. I’m saying God can and will forgive you of anything, love you through anything, restore and redeem everything. Nothing can separate you from God’s love.

Finally, should you ever find yourself in a sexual relationship and choose to confess this to me, I will never, ever judge you harshly (see previous promise not to freak out). I will not shame you. I will not punish you. Instead, I will help you. I will cry with you. I will encourage you. I will forgive you. I will love you. I am on your side, and I believe the absolute best about you and for you.

Love,

Mom

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This essay (minus the intro) first appeared on my blog, and later in my book Mom, You’re Amazing! And Other Things I Want to Tell You. Most recently, I read it on The Balanced MomCast. You can listen to it here.

If you know a mom of a teen who needs to read this, please feel free to share it. If you know a woman who thinks the sins of her past cannot be redeemed, send it to her, too.