One of the BEST Reasons to Say "No"

After 3+ months, I'm BACK with a new podcast episode!

As a Recovering People Pleaser, I sometimes still have a difficult time telling you “no.” See, I like when you like me. It makes me happy when I make you happy. When I disappoint you, I disappoint me, too.

I’ve come a long way in the last 20 years. Back in the day, I would have told you “yes” to the detriment of my own health—physical, spiritual, emotional, relational. The fear of your disapproval overshadowed every potentially balanced decision I made. I was a terribly unbalanced girl.

Over the years, I have learned I cannot say “yes” to everything. In fact, I cannot say “yes” to most things. To maintain a well-balanced life, I must also maintain my ability to tell you “no” without carrying the residual guilt and fear that tends to accompany that word.

It’s been a slow process, but one that began with a brief meeting in a tiny office.

Photo by boram kim on Unsplash

Twenty-three years ago, Jon and I needed to step down from our teaching/training positions at church. We had no doubt we were making the best decision. In a dozen ways over several months, God had been opening doors to a new ministry in a different church. The problem was that if we were to resign, we’d leave two children’s ministry leadership positions vacant. And those vacancies would present a serious problem for the already volunteer-depleted children’s department. I didn’t know what to do.

Of course, I was concerned for the kids—who would teach them?
And for the other new teachers—who would train them?

But, mostly I was concerned for me. What will the pastors of our church think of us when we leave them scrambling to find our replacements? How can we possibly add to their stress?

What kind of servants are we?!?

(My People-Pleasing brain would respond: “Bad, very bad. Bad, irresponsible, and inconsiderate servants.” )

(This was the brain of a girl raised by well-meaning, but perfectionist, parents and then spiritually formed in a loving, yet legalistic, church culture.)

I carried the full weight of responsibility for weeks—a disproportionate amount of guilt, tempting me to remain planted in my current position, even though I was confident God was uprooting us to take a new position elsewhere.

After weeks of dreading and procrastinating and nursing a stressed-out tummy, I finally made an appointment with our Children’s Pastor to offer our resignation. I sat in that tiny office, overwhelmed with grief (yes, grief) at the anticipated and familiar backlash I’d experienced in our previous church every time I tried to step down from a commitment. I feared she’d question my motives, my ability to hear God’s voice, my character…maybe even my salvation. I feared she’d hate us for leaving her with the difficult task of finding our replacements.

Bad, bad servant!

I began with an apology and then an explanation. Then another apology. And then, I proceeded to defend our motives, our ability to hear God’s voice, our character. Finally, I assured her of our salvation. And then I think I apologized again. I probably cried.

All the while, the Children’s Pastor nodding and listening intently to my farewell discourse.

And when I finally allowed her to respond, the most profound and liberating statement emerged from her lips:

“Sandy, I am confident that if God is leading you elsewhere, then He is already preparing the hearts of your replacements. If you do not leave, then the people God intends to fill your position cannot step up, because you will prevent them from doing so.”

Then she smiled warmly, embraced me sincerely, and said,

“There is no need to feel guilty. You are free. God’s blessings to you and Jon.”

First of all, WHAT?

And second of all, WOW!

I was free?

I was FREE!

Free, not only from my leadership position but also from the guilt, from the fear, from the false sense of responsibility to hold the entire children’s department (not to mention, the emotional well-being of the entire staff, every child, and oh-what-the-heck, might as well throw the parents in there, too) on my shoulders alone.

Freedom not only for that moment but also freedom for all future decisions.

Twenty-three years later, I still draw on the wisdom of the Children’s Pastor every time I must tell anyone “no.”

So, what about you? Are you over-committed because you dislike being disliked?

Does the fear of telling someone “no” outweigh your ability to make good decisions?

Take it from this Recovering People Pleaser, don’t ever agree to commit your time, energy, or money out of guilt. (I'm wagging my finger at you right now, as lovingly and compassionately as possible.) Allowing guilt and fear to force you into an unwise “yes” is a recipe for unbalance.

Need a good reason to say “no”? Here it is:

If you say “yes,” the person God intends to fill that position cannot step up, because you will prevent them from doing so. If God is leading you out, you must trust that He has already spoken to the person He intends to move in.

Pray for wisdom in every decision. And when you are confident God is leading you to say “no,” be equally confident that He is leading someone else to say “yes.”

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Today I am back from a summer podcast break (yay!) to share with you a filter I use every day to decide what to say yes to and what to say no to.

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What we discuss in EP233

• The time I taught my sweet, innocent niece to pseudo-swear

• The question I ask to determine pretty much everything

• Caveats to the filter

• Caveats to the caveats

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I’m so excited to be back into the rhythm of podcasting weekly. I have so many thoughtful and brilliant guests planned. You’re gonna love them.

Have a peaceful weekend.

Love,

Sandy

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